The music from the jukebox was currently playing a remix of
Don’t Stop Believin’, one of Sean’s favorite songs from his youth. His pleasure
must have shown based on the smile which crept across his date’s perfectly
sculpted face. Cheekbones rose to impossible heights as plump lips curved
upwards, revealing gleaming white teeth. “You like this song, don’t you?”
Nodding his head to the beat, Sean couldn't help the flood
of memories from a time when his life had been far simpler. “I do. How could
you tell?”
Jerry edged closer to Sean, placing his hand on the wall the
two were leaning against. The fresh scent of his favorite cologne, Banana Republic’s Classic,
filled Sean’s nose, sending his mood flying. “It’s pretty obvious.”
Jerry’s mouth pulled into a seductive grin. “When the song came on it was the
first time I saw that incredibly sexy dimple.” Jerry leaned in and kissed
Sean’s cheek, presumably where the dimple was located. “Everything about you is
sexy.”
A simple “Thank you” was all Sean could manage as heat
radiated from his core straight to his cheek where Jerry had just kissed him.
He took a moment to thank his maker for the dim lighting in the bar, hiding
what had to be fully flushed cheeks, then appraised the man standing before
him. Not quite as tall as Sean’s six-foot-two, the man was nothing to laugh at.
He had to be at least six feet, broad at the shoulders, trim at the waist. He
wore casual, loose-fitting clothes, igniting Sean’s curiosity about the
treasures hidden beneath. “You’re not so bad
yourself.”
Jerry dismissed Sean’s comment with a wave of his hand.
“Please. Next to you, I’m an average Joe. Look at you. Your shoulders and arms
are practically ripping the fabric of your shirt.” As if to prove a point,
Jerry slipped a finger under the rim of Sean’s white T-shirt sleeve, fondling
the swollen bicep. Sean couldn’t help but smile noticing he had to work his finger under the fabric. Big fingers. That’s promising.
“And white is definitely your color. I’d kill to have that creamy, unblemished
skin of yours.”
Slinking closer, Jerry removed his hand from Sean’s arm and
placed both on Sean’s chest. He leaned in, breath sweet with a hint of lime—most
likely due to the fruit Jerry had placed in his Corona .
In the softest of whispers, he answered. “Because, each time you lift your arm
or bend over to pick something up, I get a glance at your waist and there’s no
tan line.” Jerry slinked a bit closer. “I also noticed you’re going commando.
Is that usual or something special for tonight?”
It took a moment for the question to fully register, but
when it did, electricity prickled along Sean’s skin and down his spine,
travelling at lightning speed to his cock. While his member came to life,
trying to introduce itself to a new friend, Sean shifted back and forth on his
feet, unsure how to respond. “Um…I…”
Jerry’s head tilted back as he emitted a chuckle. “I
embarrassed you. That’s awesome.”
The heat which had rushed to Sean’s face intensified as he
tried to determine whether being embarrassed was awesome good or awesome bad. So
far, all of Jerry’s signals were indicating it was awesome good. Let’s go with that. “Okay, so you
figured out one of my secrets. I go commando.”
The smile from Jerry’s face lingered, then faded slowly,
replaced by a far more serious expression. As if in slow motion, Jerry drew
closer to Sean, mouth parting ever so slightly. Drawn by an unspoken demand,
Sean leaned in, his lips pressing into the full softness of Jerry’s.
The kiss was enhanced by the soothing feel of Jerry’s fingers brushing
through the hair at the back of Sean’s scalp, drawing him in closer.
Opening to Jerry’s demanding mouth, Sean allowed the fresh
tastes to enter and fill him. Clean, with a slight hint of Corona, Jerry tasted
better than the dinner Sean had eaten. The soft lips did little to buffer the
ferocity of need as Jerry’s tongue laved Sean’s, tumbling in circles.
Sean dropped his hands to Jerry’s waist and drew the
beautiful man nearer, reveling in the feel of the hard length of Jerry’s cock pressing
against his own straining member. The rest of the world melted away, the music,
the chatter and laughter of the people at the bar, the lights. Only he and
Jerry existed, connected in a kiss filled with the promise of something more;
something great.
When Jerry retreated from the kiss, the world caught up to
Sean in an instant, disorienting him. Jerry’s voice grounded him. “Whoa. You’re
one hell of a kisser.” The words only fueled Sean’s desire to touch him again.
Leaning in, he stole a few more kisses, tamer, gentler ones, but wet and
intoxicating.
“Yeah.” Sean shook his head to clear the fuzziness. “Kissing
is my favorite thing to do.”
A curious brow lifted seductively on Jerry’s face as he
assessed Sean. “It’s your favorite
thing to do?”
He was about to answer honestly, stating he actually did, in
fact, find kissing to be the most intimate experience two people could share.
One look at Jerry’s lust-filled expression caused Sean to reconsider the wisdom
of that decision. Besides, there was a major obstacle he had to hurdle before he
shared anything else.
His throat constricted and the pleasant hum of the conversations
surrounding them dulled as blood forced its way through capillaries in his
ears. Each beat of his heart forced more adrenaline into his system,
stimulating the inevitable fight or flight response. The fact he’d promised
himself he’d always fight didn't make what needed to be said any easier.
Once his initial terror eased and his eyes were able to
focus once again, Sean was confronted with the same expression he’d seen dozens
of times before. The plump lips were drawn tight and a slight wrinkle between
Jerry’s eyes indicated he hadn't missed Sean’s pause. “Are you okay? You were a
million miles away.”
Drawing stale air into his lungs, not even the ironic lyrics
of Diana Ross’s I’m Coming Out blaring
through the bar provided comfort or courage. “I’m fine, but before we take this
any further, there’s something you should know.”
Sweat dampened Sean’s palms and he ran them along his shirt
to dry them. Swallowing on a mouth which had suddenly run dry, he took a large
gulp of the dirty martini he’d been nursing. Staring Jerry directly in his deep
brown eyes, Sean steeled himself, hoping for the best but preparing for what
usually happened. “I’m HIV positive.”
On a mental countdown from five, Sean watched the
transformation take place. He could always tell within the first few seconds
what kind of reaction to brace himself for. The initial draining of color from
Jerry’s face was expected, as was the involuntary step back. To his credit,
Jerry didn't behave like an ignorant ass, worrying the kiss they’d just shared
put him at risk.
At Jerry’s first words, Sean knew how the scene would play
out. “Oh. I had no idea.”
Of course you didn't.
We don’t wear a membership badge.
“You look so healthy.”
Newsflash. I’m
probably healthier than you.
Jerry glanced to his right and left, then faced Sean once
again. On his next words, he failed to lift his head high enough to make eye
contact. “Um. I forgot. I have an early morning tomorrow. But I had a great
time tonight. You’re a nice guy. I’ll call you.”
Sean bit his lower lip, holding in the words releasing Jerry
from any further obligation. Jerry leaned
in stiffly and kissed Sean on the cheek, the stark difference from the first
kiss he’d planted in that same spot was shocking even to Sean. Without another
word, Jerry turned and headed towards the exit. Sean took a moment to
appreciate the retreating figure, admiring how the body moved underneath the clothing. Would’ve been
nice.
Once the door closed on the vision of yet another failed
date, Sean brought his drink to his mouth, downing the rest of the contents in
one huge gulp. The burn of the liquid as it slid down his esophagus and into
his stomach eased his nerves. Sean pushed away from the wall and worked his way
outside into the warm spring New York City night.
The crowd of bar-goers gathered around the entrance of the
Boiler Room stopped their conversations when he exited, mouths slightly ajar and
gazes following his movements. He could practically feel several sets of eyes
boring into him. It was always the same. Men were always interested, but as
soon as his secret was out, none of that mattered.
Turning the corner onto Avenue A helped to provide some
distance between himself and the immediacy of his disappointment. Still, his
feet trod heavily on the pavement as he worked his way north towards his
apartment on Twelfth.
For a fleeting moment, he imagined an entirely different
walk home. One where Jerry didn’t run. Where they stumbled home holding hands, stopping frequently to enjoy languorous kisses. And then,
once they finally managed to make it to his apartment on the third floor… Stop. This isn’t helping you.
Picking up his pace, Sean tried to burn off the rising
emotions within, disappointment rapidly shifting to anger. But even that
seemed to fizzle too soon, leaving him with the familiar sensation of
emptiness. By the time he actually reached his apartment building, he was no
longer staring in front of him, but at his feet, watching the pavement pass by.
Climbing the stairs, the weight of the evening seemed to crush
down upon him. Trudging along the hallway felt more like a prison march and his
apartment was his cell where he served a sentence of solitude.
Sean tossed his keys on the table next to the door. The
satisfying clank of metal hitting wood helped to jar his attention from the
somber, self-pitying thoughts in his mind. A
shower. That’s what I need. A nice hot shower and then sleep.
Dragging his shirt over his head, Sean stretched his tense
muscles. He clasped his hand and leaned first to one side, then to the other,
the pull of his lats as they extended to their full limit a perfect combination
of pleasure and pain. Unbuttoning his pants, he was about to strip, leaving his
clothing in a mound on the living room floor, when he noticed the blinking red
light on his answering machine.
He pressed the play button and after a moment was listening
to his sister’s voice. “Hey, big brother. I know you’re on a date tonight and
if you’re listening to this, you’re probably alone. On the off chance you’re an
idiot and listening to messages with a hot guy in your apartment, congrats. But
if you are alone, call me, no matter what time it is. I’m dying to find out how
things went.”
Sean snickered half-heartedly. Jen knew him too well.
Glancing at the time, eleven thirty-seven, the kids would have been in bed for
nearly three hours by now, so Sean called his sister’s cell rather than risk
waking his niece and nephew. The phone only rang once before she picked up. “It
didn’t work out?”
Nothing like getting
right to the point. “Well, since you know I’m not an idiot, as you so
eloquently stated on the machine, if I was with someone I wouldn’t be calling
you, would I?”
Ignoring his sarcasm, Jen spoke in a soothing tone, helping
to thaw the ice surrounding his wounded heart. “I’m so sorry, sweetie. You were
excited about this guy too.”
All of the fight ran out of Sean’s body, leaving him limp
and exhausted. Falling onto the couch, he propped his feet on the coffee table and leaned his head back so he faced the ceiling. “I was.”
Silence stretched out between them as Sean waited to hear
the words of wisdom his sister might impart. When none came, he remembered the
last time she’d tried to console him and the way he’d mercilessly bitten her
head off. Smart woman. “But I must be insane to think that someone like Jerry would want
someone like me.”
“What the fuck do you mean by that? You know I hate hearing
you talk like that.”
“It’s true though. Why would a smart, handsome, educated man
want to be with someone like me when he could find someone else who’s
everything I am, and not diseased.”
The pause on the other end of the line carried an electric
charge, raising the hairs on the back of Sean’s neck. When Jen spoke, he knew
better than to interrupt. “Sean Thomas Sullivan. I’m going to hang up right now
if you’re going to continue the pity party. You’re an incredible man and anyone
would be lucky to have you. The things you say. I swear, if Mom were still
around, she’d kick your ass.”
A sigh escaped from deep within Sean’s chest, relieving the
tension which had been trapped there. “I guess. But it’s the same story time
and again. I’m thirty-three. I love my job. I love my family. I love where I
live. But I can’t seem to complete the picture of the life I want. How else am
I supposed to view myself except as damaged goods when each date ends the same
way?”
Jen’s voice carried a nurturing softness. The same tone she
used when her kids were scared or upset. “Sean. You’re a good man, an
unbelievable brother, the world’s best uncle, and an incredible catch. There’s
a guy out there who will see all of that and will love you for it.”
Sean was about to protest once again, but his sister cut him
off before he could get a word in. “And don’t give me the ‘everyone says that’ crap.”
He couldn't help but laugh. “How’d you know what I was going
to say?”
“Because I’m your sister and your best friend. I know you
and I know you deserve to be happy.” The words rang with confidence, causing a
lump to form in Sean’s throat and a burn to sting his eyes. Knowing his
emotions would sound if he attempted to speak, he remained silent. In a voice
as sweet and settling as hot tea after dinner, his sister continued. “Take a
shower. Focus on the hot water hitting your body. Then crawl into bed and get a
good night’s sleep. Tomorrow’s a new day and you’ll tackle it with pride like
you always do.”
Through a strained set of vocal chords, Sean managed to eke
out a “Thanks, Jen. I love you”, before hanging up. Obeying her orders, he
climbed into the shower and allowed the heat of the water to penetrate through
his tension, washing away some of his frustration. Rationally, he knew his
sister was right, but that didn't make rejection feel any better.
Settled between a pair of crisp, cotton sheets, freshly
changed, sleep eluded him. Memories of kissing Jerry, and the many other Jerrys,
nagged at him. Was it too much to hope to have someone in his bed, someone to
build a life with? Were it not for his serostatus he’d probably be married by
now. With effort, he shunted the thoughts aside. No sense dwelling on what’s
past. Self-pity had never been Sean’s way and he wasn't about to start
now.
His friends had been pushing him to try the dating sites on
the web. So far he’d avoided them, feeling they lacked the organic chemistry of
meeting people in person. Still, he’d read somewhere that twenty percent of
all couples met online. Plus, there were sites specifically catering to HIV
positive people.
Tomorrow’s a new day, she’d said. Still, doubt plagued him. The last thing he remembered before succumbing to sleep was, New day, but why should I expect different results?
